Life has been quite the journey so far. There were too many bumps for me to count, but I’ve always done my best to keep going. A complication I never saw coming, however, is that I have no clue where I am going — which is kind of ironic since I’ve never had any sense of direction at all. The thing is, I had it all mapped out as a kid. I could picture it so clearly, my life destination. It’s blurrier than ever these days and since I have to stop so often to try and figure it out, it’s taking forever to get there — wherever that is.
For a while, I assumed I was lost. It certainly feels like it sometimes, especially when I see other people moving straight ahead as if their journey was just one smooth line. Am I really though? When I go wandering about the city with no particular place in mind, I’m not lost, am I? I’m just off exploring my surroundings. So, why should it be any different in other aspects of our lives? I may have fallen off track at one point, but I don’t think I’ve gone completely astray.
Ultimately, my purpose has never changed work-wise. All I’ve ever wanted is to make a living out of what motivates me to get up in the morning. Work accounts for 70% of our week, so it seems to me that it should bring some sort of satisfaction. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe we all aspire to feel fulfilled by whatever career choice we’ve made.
Which is why I keep making so many detours. I’m not ready to settle for anything less than what will give me a sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately, it seems that I’m willing to sacrifice my sanity in order to find my way. Because the truth is? This journey scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid it’s going to cost me more than financial instability, pursuing a career that has no beginning and no end.
I recently quit my job so I could re-focus — one of the many stops I mentioned earlier where I pause to try and figure it out — but I keep going round in circles instead. At the end of the day, I have no choice but to pay my rent, my bills and put food on the table. That constant pressure means I have to decide between what feels right and responsibilities. Sadly, we all know what wins in the end.
And so, for the hundredth time since the 1st of March, I question the decision I made. But then I keep getting these signs that everything does happen for a reason. On Monday, I was on the tube back from a show and was feeling fidgety again. I desperately needed to take my mind off of unemployment and other concerns, so I started skimming through one of the copies of the Evening Standard that were strewn on the seat next to mine. That’s when I saw this cartoon by Charlotte Reed (see above). I don’t usually do this but the coincidence was too extraordinary to leave the evidence behind, so I tore up the page and kept it preciously tucked in a journal.
I trust that the universe will always try to give us a push when we’re ready for it. I may have to be patient and make yet another detour (or a couple), but I can’t help it. I want to stick to my stupid fantasies, even if it means driving down a winding road of uncertainties, following dreams that may never become true. I want it all, and I want it bad.
Am I a fool? Probably. I might be setting myself up for failure and disappointment over and over again. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I might as well do my best, make the most of the journey and draw lessons from all the sticky situations I keep getting myself into. That being said, I always tell anyone who will listen that I like to be kept on my toes. So, I guess that’s one wish granted…
How about you? What does your future look like? Are you happy with where you are now? Have you made it to your own destination? Am I the only one who’s a bit delusional? Let me know in the comments (and please tell me I’m not alone!).