English

Lucky Number

How has it already been three months since my last post? It’s not that I don’t want to write, it’s not that I forget to write, it’s that I find it difficult to put in the time and effort. Which sounds absolutely terrible, especially as I was unemployed for two of these months. So, really, no excuse for bailing on my blog. Anyway.

Today, of all days, is one that gives me inspiration. Inspiration for words, inspiration to feel. You see, today means nothing and everything at the same time. 4 has always been my lucky number – or rather, the number I’ve been drawn to my whole life for no particular reason. I’m not an odd number kind of gal, and even numbers have let me down more times than I care to admit. Nevertheless, I still feel a weird attraction to them. It makes no sense, and yet…

Today, 4 years ago, I said goodbye to the one I thought would be my forever guy. I didn’t know then, that we were going our separate ways. One final kiss, a car door closing, and there he went in the scorching summer heat, just in time for his train home. To me, it was the heartbreaking outcome of a story I never expected to end. To him, it was the first day of the rest of his life.

My heart went through more ordeal after it barely got to heal the first time around but, somehow, it survived. It wasn’t doing somersaults or cartwheels anymore, it wasn’t even laughing or feeling at all. In fact, it was pretty quiet, as if it didn’t have an opinion on all that we suffered together, as if it didn’t have a care in the world what happened to us. Of course, I was the one who silenced it,  and deprived it of a happily ever after. But it must have had faith, because it kept pumping the whole machine. Enough to keep me alive, when I just couldn’t want it for myself.

At the time where I was barely existing, I got sent an opportunity. An opportunity to start anew. And so, on January 4th, a year and a half ago, there I was on the Eurostar platform at Gare du Nord, waiting for my own train home. This time, I was ready to say goodbye, I was in control of it. This was my beginning, and what a journey it’s been.

I believe that change is always for the best, even when we can’t see it. And I was blind for months on end. It took time for me to adjust to the light, because some invisible force was holding me to the ground. I shut my eyes, as all I could do was lie and receive the blows that would undoubtedly come.

I was at my lowest, feeling like I’d lost everything – myself including – along the way. But then the impossible happened. A young man, a talented artist, sparked something in me. Something brutal and magical all the same. He got me back on my feet, fighting back with the little strength I had left. I was far from being as powerful as the force that kept pushing and pushing. But this time, I had something to hold on to, and I didn’t let go. The force grew tired, and I grew stronger. So much so, that my heart fluttered and cried out loud.

Today, on July 4th, I get to see the young man perform again, and it still feels extremely special. When I was a teenager, I came upon this saying: ‘when words fail, music speaks’. It never was as true as it was for me last year. A stranger’s voice brought mine back to life and, just like that, I got my words back.

Today is a beautiful day, and I couldn’t have found a better way to celebrate, even if I’d tried. I’m here in London, in this new life I’ve built for myself. And it’s good. Not perfect, but good enough. So, from an empty heart to a full one, I guess I’ll stick to 4s for now.

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