As you may have been able to tell, I haven’t been very thorough with my Count Your Blessings blog posts. After week 3, I got sick and developed a chest infection that lasted for a while. Once I got better, life kind of got non-stop. I reached the last few weeks of my contract and my boss went away for 10 days so there was a lot to take care of. Plus, I spent most of February at The Other Palace for MT Fest UK, which meant that on my free time, all I could do was sleep. Therefore, I realised that weekly roundups and blessings is a bit TOO MUCH pressure when things get crazy. However, I still want to do them in some way, so here’s me trying it monthly.
Like I said, I spent most of February at MT Fest UK, but I am planning to write a separate blog post for it so I don’t want to give too much away. Nonetheless, it was a definite highlight so I don’t want to ignore it either. I recently wrote a blog post about my musical theatre journey and how I’ve grown to love the genre. MT Fest was the confirmation that I’d become very passionate about them. The intimate workshops and night caps brought me tremendous joy and inspired me so much, I’m actually shocked that 45 min in a studio can make such a difference in your life. Writers, actors and producers are just here to do their jobs you know, but they touch so many people with their voice, dedication and perseverance. I discovered musicals that I would listen to on repeat if there ever was a full production and cast recording of them. I shared this experience with my friend Filipa, which made the whole thing even better. I think it’s safe to say that it’s one of my favourite festivals of all time, but more on that later!
Speaking of Filipa, we started working on a project together, which we hope to see through this year. It’s the kind where it’s a lot of fun to talk about it and fantasize about how it could be, but I hope we don’t just dream about doing it. If it works out, it’ll be my first large-scale event organisation and I am so damn excited about it! We have the idea, we have the vision, now all we got to do is stop faffing around and making it happen.
In the same vein, I keep thinking about personal projects I would like to carry out at some point this year. However, now that the creative fire is burning in me again, there’s a lot I want to achieve and yet, end up doing nothing. Therefore, I must remember to stop spreading myself too thin. I need to get better at being more disciplined, planning better and actually completing things.
On a complete different subject, I bought new clothes. I know it doesn’t sound exceptional, but for me it kind of is. See, as a plus-size girl whose thighs, hips and butt are HUGE, it’s quite tricky to find garments that fit. I was wearing the same old and shapeless tee-shirts over and over, and my last pair of jeans had worn out because of #chubrub. I can never find my size in store, so I finally decided to check out Asos. Not only do they have some lovely pieces in their plus-size collection, they have a ‘find the right size for you’ type of feature that actually works wonders. They basically ask you a few questions based on your body shape, the brands you already own in your wardrobe and what you might have purchased on their website in the past. From there, and from other customers’ data, they suggest a size that is more likely to fit you for each piece of clothing. I bought £175 worth of pants, playsuits, bodies, skirts and whatnot with the intention of sending back what didn’t fit but everything suited me. And, more importantly, I felt absolutely beautiful and confident in all these clothes.
I’m not going to lie, though. How you see yourself in the mirror strongly depends on your mental health as well. Here we are, a month later, and I feel absolutely crap in anything I wear. Nevertheless, I was very happy with my order when it first arrived and kept everything. The plan was to shoot some photos to show you what I bought, but February turned out to be hectic and now I just don’t feel like being in front of the camera. I did capture one outfit, as you can see below, so here are the details: a pair of skinny jeans (I wear size EU 46/UK 20) and a wrap body in a vintage floral print (I wear size UK 18).
Buying new clothes and being consistent with my skincare really boosted my confidence. Depression, eating disorders and other body image issues make you lose all sense of self and constantly make you doubt your worth. Shopping becomes a nightmare experience and taking care of yourself becomes pointless. Most of the time, you have zero energy for any of that anyway. Unfortunately, I have sort of relapsed since the last week of February because of a massive episode of binge-eating, an incident I wrote about in a recent blog post and unemployment. It was a personal choice to leave my job and, throughout the whole of February, I was so excited about the decision I made. However, now that I am facing the inevitable rejections that come with the job application process, it’s hard to remember why I thought it’d be a good idea to take such a risk.
I know it’s the financial preoccupation that makes me so anxious but, in the last 10 days, I’ve forgotten how happy and brave I felt last month. It’s not like I’m back to square one, because I can still find enjoyment and relief out of life. But at the same time, I’m not completely freed of past demons and it’s so scary how easy it is for them to take over. Luckily, I have a great support system around me and I am not quite ready to give up. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.
How about you? How was your February? I hope you got around to do some fun stuff and had a lovely time!